another year over.....

i have been counting the days since the first day of this month... t'was april 1, april fool's day or so i thought.... was i joking about the whole idea that for the next 20 days after fool's day, will be a day that i don't even know what it will mean for me....

april 21.... the favorite day that i have known all my life... i share it with someone famous unlike me, queen elizabeth II. i even patterned it to the famous ATOM for benigno aquino, jr. except that i changed it to April Twenty One Movement (hehehe), i know it doesn't make sense at all but its just a weird thing for me to ever thought of at that time... 4.21 --- to be exact, april 21, 5:15 am, is the day that i feel im facing the greatest challenge yet of my pathetic life.... it has been 30 years and a day of living a distorted and tormented existence all of my own doing..... trying to make sense of what's the meaning of my very existence....

i share a lot of indications and symptoms of a sick thinking, of desperate moments, of pathetic feelings towards self, of anxiety and paranoia --- to the very same people i would have love to despise but which i feel and think i have become... i dunno why but until i get my thoughts and act together --- i will still be a lost soul in this confusing existence that we call life....
they say "we were meant to live" but for who? why do we have to? how do we live? when will we have a meaningful existence? where do we start? basic questions that still eludes people who have the same perspective of what life is to them....

i started a blog here but can't seem to start it. its perfectly titled "finding my place under the sun"...... i didn't even started it because until now im still finding the right words to convey how i feel about the topic ---- and that is finding the meaning of my existence, finding my place in this world, looking for directions and still finding that within yourself you still feel that emptiness that can't never be filled, not now and hopefully not forever....

april 21, the day where it all begun for me... for the next days to come, it will be a battle for me, a struggle within myself.... to strive hard to find whatever i'm looking for ----- in this life i am living....

to myself, i hope this day will bring forth a good sign of things to come ------ because im tired of living the life i have been living for the past 30 years....

post script:

How did I get into the world? Why was I not asked about it, why was I not informed of the rules and regulations but just thrust into the ranks as if I had been bought by a peddling shanghaier of human beings? How did I get involved in this big enterprise called actuality? Why should I be involved? Isn't it a matter of choice? And if I am compelled to be involved, where is the manager—I have something to say about this. Is there no manager? To whom shall I make my complaint?

finding my place under the sun....

this blog is under construction.

april 4, 2007 @ 12:56am

i was supposed to start this blog this day but i guess i can't find the right time to really ponder and collect my thoughts on this topic.... sorry guys, i know in the near future, i will finally start this blog... but until then, who knows.....

Baguio City - Going Back Home.....

December 4, 2006

The day I have been waiting for all these times...... actually 1 year, 2 months, 30 days, 1 hour and 50 minutes to be exact from this day till December 4th....

I have been so far away from home that it makes me more excited to finally be back home to where my heart belongs. I have been so far away for so long that at this very moment memories of way past when before I have set foot on this foreign land comes flooding my head and it feels so good.

Home is where your heart is and thats the very reason that I have endure this long and waited for this day to come and finally be where I belong. Albeit its just for a fleeting moment of time, its worth the wait, pain and grief, hardwork and sweat, and wanting to realize that come December 4th will be a special day that I anticipate for the next few days counting to that very day.

Home is where my heart beats and come this December 4th, I will be where my heart belongs. To someone who means more than what I can even imagine. Home is where once I have felt what its used to be a haven for all my being,my thoughts, my dreams, my aspirations and specially, where my other half of my very essence I have left for this journey in this foreign land, I'll return.

Home is where my heart feels welcome and loved. Close to the people who are as real as you can ever imagine. Home is where friends and family comes together to celebrate the spirit of oneness and unity. To celebrate life as it should be, where old kindred spirit and fire comes to relieve old memories and times passed by, where distance is bridged, where everyone welcomes far away souls to their loving embrace.

Ah, how happy it is just to think of the anticipation of finally coming back to where your soul and heart belong, that is home, my Baguio City, my country, the Philippines....

And I continue to count the remaining days till my journey back home begins...... again...
1 year, 2 months, 30 days, 2 hours and 5 minutes and the seconds just keeps on ticking until then..........

From O.D.O.C. to O.Y.O.C. (1st Year In Canada)

Wow, its been so fast..... Time flies so fast you don't even notice that one year has past me by.... Probably you are wondering what's ODOC and OYOC means? Well, ODOC stand for One Day Old Canadian, which was last year, the very first day I arrived here in Canada, August 9, 2005 and OYOC, you guessed it, One Year Old Canadian, which is today, August 9, 2006. Actually it will be official come 8:00 pm because its the exact time that I really arrived here in Canada....

What can I say, I survived my first year here in Canada; my first summer (now its my second summer, whew its hotter compared to last year!), my first fall, my first winter and lastly, my first spring..... Time really flies so fast......

A lot of things happened so fast during the past year for me here, a lot of ups and downs at the same time but in general, I think and feel, that all that happened and are happening are according to what I expected and hopefully will continue so according to what I have planned ahead for my next year here.... Ah, time really flies so fast....

The last thing I remember was that very sad and at the same time happy eve of my departure to Canada..... Happy because I finally will go to Canada after five agonizing years of processing my papers and finally being with my mom which I never had the chance to be with for a long time then....... And sad, for so many reason..... It's more on the sentimental sort of sadness, like leaving your friends, the habits, the place you love, the work, your home country, etc.... But the most saddest maybe for me is leaving my love behind.... It was truly a sad and gloomy eve for me but I have to be strong and show my love that whatever happens what we dreamed of and planned will push through and I guess the only testament I have is that we are still pretty much together and in love with one another which makes it a happy first year for me here afterall..... Times flies so fast.....

My first few months here in Canada was very frustrating, having no work for almost three months. Although I tried finding one before, I always end up finding no job in the end..... There's a lot of bruhaha in this new country of mine that you have to have this and that and that you must be this long in this country before you can have this job or whatever insane and mundane reason that you cannot have a job that is decent if you are just a new immigrant here.... It was frustrating at times it makes you breakdown, I did before but I have endured it somehow with so much help from those people who mattered and cared for me.... A lot of thanks goes to my love and for the new friends I have met in my transition here in Canada.... I think without these people, I wouldn't have survived this far, maybe I would have packed my bags and things and went back home to the Philippines but thankfully I didn't..... And now, its been a year since then..... Ah, time flies so fast.....

My first jobs that I took before were: factory worker at Thorncliff for a veneer blinds manufacturer which after just two days, I quit because by the second day, I couldn't even get off my bed, arghh, it was painful and backbreaking work then....... So my odyssey of finding work begins after that first job...... I did a lot of odd jobs back then, a handy man for a production outfit which pays well then..... tried to apply in restaurants and light duty jobs..... applied as cook and was finally got one job as a food handler and service crew at Burger King which up to now I still do (they're great people to work with thats why I lasted this long..... and then I got a second job as a cook in one of the famous chain of restaurants here in Canada which is Pizza Pizza Inc. which only lasted for 3 months because the outlet where I work was sold to a very $%^8*&* guy and he laid us out..... it was a bad and a good experience for me and I think I learn some lessons from it..... I did pursue a lot of opportunity before but I always ended up being short handed by the employer......... Oh, my, time flies so fast....

Until one day I decide to go to the next level of my plans here in Canada and that is to pursue the job I have left behind back home, the job I have learned to love and that is to be a certified Medical Technologist here..... And so I took the first step and that is to become a Medical Technician first and take that certifying exam..... I did that last February 2006 and now I'm proud to say I'm nearing to finishing it, just 3 weeks away..... This year also I met some new friends and old ones here..... Some new ones worth keeping and some new ones worth just knowing them.... Well, people ar people.... By november this year, I'll be sitting for that certifying exam which is the OSMT for Ontario Society of Medical Technologist...... Ah, time flies so fast.......

And now, August 9, 2006, its been a year and what a fast year it was.... I can't even remember what are the other things that happened to me here during that fast one year that went by.... Until tomorrow, I'll be looking forward to another year and I pray and hope that this coming year will be much better than the last..... Ah, time flies so fast......

This coming year would be better I know so I'm on the next level of my plan and that is to assimilate myself here in Canada. Starting to finding a work as a Medical Technician and then bringing my fiancee here...... Afterwards who knows, I'll be going back again to school to bridge my credentials to finally attain and be eligible to sit for the certifying exam for Medical Technologist..... And I know, I can do it....... So wait for the synopsis of my second year next August 9, 2007. Till then, its been a roller coaster year.... Ah, time flies so fast.....

Life as I see it - First entry of Prologue 2

What is it that makes us think of something infinitely hard to understand?

Why is it that sometimes we have a stray of thought that makes us vulnerable to all things that makes us bleed inside, hurts us?

Of all the things that makes us human, how far are we to the monsters that lurks in the shadow of our own very being?

Isn't it so hard to understand the very basic of all? That inside this frail and weak vessel we are in, we have a heart and soul that keeps us thriving to ascend beyond what we try to comprehend, to take us to our destined place, a point in the tapestry of time, an epoch of enlightenment within us, a time to understand the meaning of our very own existence.

That we ought to live on so as not to compromise the destiny we sealed for ourselves.

Too much of the words......

These memoirs written initially in papers and now electronically in a blog we now call are meant to serve to me as reminders of what's in my mind and the thoughts I like to render through writing.

These are the same memoirs that I'll read time in time again. It would be a reminder of the state of my mind I'm in when I get to outlast the very moment I'm stuck in, the repercussions of things to come will serve as a subservient moments in my life that these memoirs where my creations I endowed, will remind me one day that I live a life where in every direction, something pulls me in a wayward projections that I myself would never have the ability and capacity to comprehend.

What makes a man see his life pulled in every direction?

Prologue 2

Unlikely Incident

Today, I saw her but I haven’t had the guts to talk to her, to the least look her way. What the hell, I don’t know what came to me? I even don’t have any word to find just to speak or utter.

Last night, I might have blown my only chance to talk to her. But maybe I was just being practical about it. What’s the point of it? Here was the only girl I ever love so much, here was the girl that I’ve hurt, here was the girl that I long for but doesn’t want me anymore.

So, I ask myself what’s the point of it all? Will I joke myself again and be happy about it all when in the end I know it doesn’t point to anywhere or amount to anything. I thought I’d be happy seeing her, I was but who am I kidding? It’s I, myself….

I thought I’ve finally found the love of my life but it was I also who destroyed the very essence of my bleak existence. God knows how much I love her and I’d do anything just to bring her back in my arms again… But reality bites and I’m just being realistic about all these that are strangely happening.

Maybe I threw all the possible chances that there will come a time that we’ll be meant for each other. Before, I believe that love can move everything but I was proven wrong and what am I supposed to do? I have blind faith that now maybe is weakening but I know deep inside that there is still a strand of hope and belief that all will be the way it should have been.

Today, I saw her but it doesn’t mean that I should be ecstatic about the incident rather I like to put it in a way ---- in a way of gradually letting go of my madness to her; maybe its time to move on because I know that in the end, my suffering will end. I should be strong at this time ---- coz I have to.

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you look at my way
I hate it when you stare
I hate your fancy cellular phone and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick and it even makes me run
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry
I hate it when you’re not around and in fact you don’t text anymore
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all…

(Adapted and revised from the movie of the same title)

diputs

Today, I think I’m really stupid. No, not just today, maybe my whole life. I keep on making stupid things that I don’t know anymore if I did one thing that isn’t stupid.

Today, I think I’m really, really stupid because I made a stupid thing again and that is, I hurt somebody I care. She’s not only somebody; she is someone that’s dear in my heart. I don’t know what to do to make up but I do hope that I won’t make anymore stupid things the rest of today that would aggravate the hurt I’ve already done.

Today, I will like to say sorry to her, just to let her know that I feel remorse inside me for doing such a stupid thing. I just wish that it’s not that stupid but then again, I’m stupid so I guess I did a stupid thing after all.

never be mine

Maybe I am a fool for feeling this thing
Maybe I’m just stupid about this kind of stuff

But then I ask myself….

Why do I feel happy and excited….
Whenever you are around?
Whenever you smile to me?
Whenever you look my way?
Whenever you talk to me?

But then again I ask myself….

Why do I feel this way for you?
Why am I starting to care for you?
Why am I beginning to fall in love to you?
Why does it have to be you?

Maybe I’m really a fool
Maybe I’m really stupid

Because I’m falling to someone who can….

…… never be mine.

r.f.s.

What will I do now?
I don’t even know where you are…

How can I tell you?
All that I feel inside for you,
all that I kept all these times…

If only I made the right move
maybe then I won’t be at lost.

But for now I’m not sure
because until then when the time
comes for me to resolve all,
I will never know what to do.

r.f.s.//dcny21//9.22.99

Misery

Sometimes you find yourself
Amid the confusion of everything
When all seems too vague to comprehend
When all seems too difficult to take.

You try to find the meaning of it
You try to find the words to define
Just to make out what seems to be
A semblance of clarity and innocence.

When all seems to fall down
When all seems to fail
You try as much not to breakdown
You try as much to be strong.

But sometimes it gets hard
And you find yourself in a dark corner
Your head tucked between your legs
Arms around and you watch tears flow......

....... down beneath the earth of misery.

misery//dcny21//june1999

Void

I feel an empty void inside of me
A space that I somehow need to fill
I don’t know where to find
I don’t know where to look
I don’t know what I could do
I don’t know what I could think
But the only thing I feel
Is that the empty void is always
Filled by my emptiness…

void/dcny21/6.17.99