i have been counting the days since the first day of this month... t'was april 1, april fool's day or so i thought.... was i joking about the whole idea that for the next 20 days after fool's day, will be a day that i don't even know what it will mean for me....
april 21.... the favorite day that i have known all my life... i share it with someone famous unlike me, queen elizabeth II. i even patterned it to the famous ATOM for benigno aquino, jr. except that i changed it to April Twenty One Movement (hehehe), i know it doesn't make sense at all but its just a weird thing for me to ever thought of at that time... 4.21 --- to be exact, april 21, 5:15 am, is the day that i feel im facing the greatest challenge yet of my pathetic life.... it has been 30 years and a day of living a distorted and tormented existence all of my own doing..... trying to make sense of what's the meaning of my very existence....
i share a lot of indications and symptoms of a sick thinking, of desperate moments, of pathetic feelings towards self, of anxiety and paranoia --- to the very same people i would have love to despise but which i feel and think i have become... i dunno why but until i get my thoughts and act together --- i will still be a lost soul in this confusing existence that we call life....
they say "we were meant to live" but for who? why do we have to? how do we live? when will we have a meaningful existence? where do we start? basic questions that still eludes people who have the same perspective of what life is to them....
i started a blog here but can't seem to start it. its perfectly titled "finding my place under the sun"...... i didn't even started it because until now im still finding the right words to convey how i feel about the topic ---- and that is finding the meaning of my existence, finding my place in this world, looking for directions and still finding that within yourself you still feel that emptiness that can't never be filled, not now and hopefully not forever....
april 21, the day where it all begun for me... for the next days to come, it will be a battle for me, a struggle within myself.... to strive hard to find whatever i'm looking for ----- in this life i am living....
to myself, i hope this day will bring forth a good sign of things to come ------ because im tired of living the life i have been living for the past 30 years....
post script:
How did I get into the world? Why was I not asked about it, why was I not informed of the rules and regulations but just thrust into the ranks as if I had been bought by a peddling shanghaier of human beings? How did I get involved in this big enterprise called actuality? Why should I be involved? Isn't it a matter of choice? And if I am compelled to be involved, where is the manager—I have something to say about this. Is there no manager? To whom shall I make my complaint?
